Not very good at blogging...

Well, here we go again!  I love the idea of a blog and I love reading and seeing other peoples blogs.  Some of them are so clever.  Right now I'm into pinterest.  What a fun site!  So many good recipes and things.  I recently read an article about pinterest where it was being touted as 'anti-feminist'...  Mainly because of all the hot bodies of women (and men?) who are fit and in awesome shape.  Well, people have a choice of what they want to look at.  If you find that offensive, don't look!  You can read the article by googling 'Miss Representation'.  It's in there somewhere, and frankly, I'm too lazy to post it.  I disagreed... even though I consider myself quite feminist.

I feel quite boring today.

so i'm all moved out of brown street.... wow.  how long has it been?  april 2009... to now.  so:  2 years and three months.  That's kinda long, isn't it?  When I left, I said:  See yah house!  kiss my ass goodbye!.

there were problems.  mostly teenage problems.  Well, of course they didn't think it was problem.

You should have SEEN the empties we found under beds, behind cupboards etc...  really.  I mean, gosh.  Teens?  who'da thunk?

Anyway, new beginnings.  We're homeless for 12 days.  leave tomorrow for the middle east.  taking son number 2.  he's good to me. i'm grateful to have someone who loves me.  PWS, NMB and more.  I LUSM.  xoxo

Another day in the life...

So, we start blogs and we forget about them.  Then one day, we are mucking around with the computer, and we remember our long lost blog.  Mine won't make much sense, since I started it two years ago and only have a couple of posts.  So, I re-start... not from where I left off, but from today.  The premise of my blog was to help me deal with the blows of divorce.  I could come here and bitch and vent, publicly, as sort of a therapeutic venue.  Way back in 2006, there was trouble in paradise.  Only it wasn't paradise.  From the time I realized my marriage was actually over (although I couldn't admit this) and the time it actually dissolved was 5 years.  We physically lived in two separate residences after 2 years, but the divorce still took a few more years.  Money on lawyers, fighting and fighting... he moving onto a new and younger version.  Me, moving on to an older and kinder (in my opinion) person.  Our three children, on the cusp of adolescence...  It's been a long haul.

The pain has been insurmountable.  One foot forward.... always.  During all of this, I quit my job of 17 years, started university and obtained 2 degrees.  Try doing that while your marriage is falling apart.  The sad thing is now, my ex-husband is so vengeful that he aired our dirty laundry to anyone who would listen, and now there are two camps.  The for, and the against.  (of course there are those who choose not to, well, choose).  The family that I spent 20 years loving (his), no longer speak to me, as though I'm the devil incarnate.  There are, as the counsellor says:  very definite character flaws in a person who has such a myopic view on life.  Black and White.  Binary thinking.  

The thousands of nasty hurtful and harmful text messages and emails have been saved.  For what purpose?  I don't know.  I'm just trying to move forward...

Some things go from bad to worse. Some things. Not all. So, I am finally divorced, although there was never a big moment where my lawyer said: 'You're divorced'... I don't even know what day is actually took place. And funnily enough, my ex emailed me a couple of days ago with a one liner: ARE WE DIVORCED YET??? I didn't bother to answer him. I paid for it.

He's still being a ... gosh, i don't know what to call him. or what word to use. It's actually quite indescribable. Horrible? Disgusting? Vile? Awful? Mean? Nasty? Wrong?... whatever.

I moved out of the matrimonial home on August 1, 2008. I lived a year and a half of pure HELL prior to that. And prior to that, I was numb for about 10 years. The journals I've kept are hidden in a dark place until I'm ready to read them again. I remember what I wrote. A wish-wash of emotions. I love him, no I don't. Yes I do, please God, I do. No... I don't. But I want to. But wait:

He's just not into you.

Eff the Dog

Does anyone want a really pretty dog? There's a glitch though. This one will wake you up anywhere from 6:30am to 9am... she just barks intermittently until someone acknowledges her. She doesn't need to go pee or anything... she just doesn't want to be alone. Grrrrrrrrrr. (oh, dog's growl, don' they? well so do humans when they don't get enough sleep).

Talk about lack of sleep. Two saturdays in a row, the neighbours across the street thought it would be a good idea to replace the shingles on their roof... starting at FIVE THIRTY IN THE MORNING!!!!! The first saturday I let it go, but the next saturday, I got up, took the barky the dog with me and confronted them!

me: Do you realize what time it is?
Them: Yes m'am.
me: you're waking up the whole neighbourhood.
Them: We need to get this done m'am.
me: But could you not start at a more decent hour?
Them: no m'am. If you have a problem call the police. They won't do anything about it.
me: thank you for your consideration.

I mean, Jeezzzz....

What's next?

I always know when he's back in town, because it becomes stormy again

I was harrassed last night by the deadbeat... at 2:30 am. I bite back... I shouldn't have, but I did. I really need to practise some more control over my impulses. How can I have been married to someone for almost 2 decades and not know what a sociopathic pathetic excuse for a human he is. I told him that difficult times are a test to a person's mettle... and he failed gloriously. The worst part of it is how to uses the children as pawns in his evil game to ruin my life. I have toughened up some. I'm not the complete submissive woman I used to be. I fight back now, and try not to let him call all the shots. He was a shitty husband, unfortunatly. I was his trophy/piece of meat/doormat. He never really did like me all that much. When I begged him to seek counseling years ago (11, to be exact), he laughed in my face and told me I was the problem. Because we had three children together, I just put my head in the sand like an ostrich. I guess it became too much for me.

Happy Canada Day

Today I will write about my divorce. I am going to randomly write things, in no particular order. The deadbeat still refuses to pay for his children. Nevermind spousal... When they come to me, he sends them with no money. They have to ask my partner for money if they want to do anything, as I am currently unemployed.

He keeps sending me these proposals and tries to bully me into accepting a deal that suits him. My lawyer thinks if I accept, I am getting screwed.

One day I'll write my whole story. Just because.